After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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