There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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