I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
