The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
