Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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