Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
