Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
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They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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