Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
