I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
