on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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