I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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