He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
