im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
