Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
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