I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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