my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
