Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
