Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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