Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
