Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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