I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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