Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize