my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
