yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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