Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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