you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
