I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
