Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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