i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
