Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
