Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
