I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
