Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They have beer where we have blood.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
