..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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