why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
