70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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