My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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