end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
