if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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