I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
