making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
