In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
