I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
