he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
