hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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