If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
