We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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