Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
