he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
