We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
