after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
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Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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