Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
