tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
