I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
