I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
