Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
