Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
