Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
