Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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