I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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