Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
