we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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