Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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