Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
