there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Randomize
