I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's never too late to be topless.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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