So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
