I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
