I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
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I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?